'There have been malicious rumors started at this elementary school that my beautiful fiancé is a hobbit,' 'Ye tells the kids of South Park Elementary.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are never shy about professing their
undying love in public. In fact, Kanye isn't shy about professing just
about anything in public, especially if it's hurt feelings over Grammy nominations.
But when the season 17 finale of "South Park" aired on Wednesday night, 'Ye took to an animated forum to defend his beloved's honor.
Yes, it was the return of the legendary Kanye "fishsticks" meme, which we first encountered in season 13 when Yeezy, despite being a genius and the "voice of a generation," was the only person on the planet who did not get Jimmy's aquatic penis joke.
This time, in an episode titled "The Hobbit," he showed up in the classroom after Butters and Wendy beefed about Hollywood's unrealistic portrayal of women. OK, let's not beat around the bush, Butters shut down Lisa because
he said she was "too fat," not like his picture of female pulchritude: Kardashian. Lisa wasn't having it, arguing that not only is Kim chubby but that she's actually a hobbit.
Self-described "recovering gay fish" Kanye was not having that. While also trying to dispel rumors that he's actually Aquaman (despite wearing green fish scale tights and a low-cut green vest), 'Ye shows up at South Park Elementary to plead his case.
"OK, first of all, I am not Aquaman, I am a recovering gay fish," said the voice of Kanye. "Yes, I have met Aquaman, I have hung out with Aquaman, but the only thing I have in common with Aquaman is my love of the sea."
"Now, there have been malicious rumors started at this elementary school that my beautiful fiancé is a hobbit," Kanye told the kids. "That is not funny and it is not true! Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body. Yes, she has as friend named Gandalf, who happens to be a wizard."
That last one gave 'Ye pause, so he called Kim to make sure he wasn't mistaken. "Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?" he asked her. "Oh, OK, I got it ... OK, if my fiancé Kim is a hobbit then ... how come she don't live in a hole in the ground? Boom! All y'all just got lit up! She don't live in no hole in the ground, she lives in a big ass mansion with me, in her room, which is slightly below ground!"
Despite all evidence he cites pointing to Kim not being a diminutive Tolkien character — she lives underground in a fantasy world filled with small, hairy people, hunts dragons and smokes a pipe (well, a "personal oral humidifier") — Yeezus takes on a world crusade to counter the rumors, including interrupting Pope Francis during an award ceremony. It's up to his Holiness to correct 'Ye's assertion that hobbits turn blue when goblins are near.
"The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins, just his sword does," Francis notes. Turns out he is engaged to a hobbit, but he's jus fine with it.
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